Sometimes I get these overwhelming nudges from my gut instinct telling me to do something. The nudge is so strong that I cannot ignore it, so I take that step, that leap of faith! I had this huge nudge to try for another baby. I didn’t know how it was going to work out financially or tie in with my career development plan but I just knew that it was absolutely necessary that I start planning for my second child. Month after month after month….negative test results were all I would see and it was getting incredibly discouraging. Finally after trying for about 5 months I got that positive test result! I was ecstatic, over joyed and was so proud to tell all my family and friends that they would be welcoming a new baby in to their life March 2016.
This pregnancy, although exciting, felt very different, very off. I couldn’t shake the feeling that for some reason this was not going to happen, that I would not end up with a baby in 9 months. I had no reason to doubt this pregnancy whatsoever but it was the same incredibly strong gut feeling that really started to prepare me to lose this child. I was 12 weeks pregnant and about to go for an ultra sound in a few days and I finally expressed to my co-workers that I was worried. I told them I had this awful feeling that when I go for my ultrasound they won’t be able to find the heartbeat. They told me not to think like that and to be positive but I just knew…this was not going to work out. The next day we had our yearly work event with our whole department. I felt off again but I figured it was my social anxiety kicking in, so I just tried to ignore it. We got to the event at around 6pm and I figured I should join the rest of the ladies and use the restroom. Not to be graphic but I noticed blood and my heart instantly broke. In the matter of seconds my future changed and my worst fears were becoming a morbid reality. How could I possibly walk out of the washroom and act like I am okay; like my heart isn’t breaking. I just knew…this meant it was over. I somehow managed to stay a few hours at the event and tried to convince myself that it was fine and that I was overreacting but it was the silent cab ride home that gave my mind the time it needed to assess the reality. After a trip to the hospital for confirmation and a lot of pain, both emotional and physical, I had lost the baby.
After this loss I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I felt silly that I was wrong about my nudge to try for another baby. I stopped trusting my instincts and nudges and I said forget it I don’t want to try for another child. I took that pain and projected it in to my work and decided to focus on career advancement. I applied to so many positions and not even a single call back…I was really confused (not to toot my own horn but my resume is really good and I have worked for reputable companies) I couldn’t believe it! All these applications and nothing!?!?! I questioned my life plan and realized something is up…the Universe has got a different plan for me and I need to stop trying to go against what feels right. Something was telling me that God needed me to wait until he was ready for me to have my second child. That was when I realized that it isn’t in my timing, it’s in his.
Two months after my miscarriage I started feeling really nauseous every morning. I thought to myself “no I couldn’t be pregnant”! It took me 5 months of trying last time and I was checking my ovulation and being so meticulous about it. I wasn’t even trying to get pregnant and in fact I had completely changed my mind about the whole thing (defence mechanism clearly). My husband came home with a test and told me just check it…just in case! So I took the test rolling my eyes the whole time thinking that was a waste of his money and there was no way I could be pregnant. I didn’t even look at the results and I slapped it in his hand and said “I don’t even want to be disappointed so don’t even tell me”. He was running around the house with this silly little smirk on his face and I just knew…I WAS PREGNANT!
This pregnancy felt sooooooo different, so right, so sure. I was sick as a dog but I just was so thankful I had my baby growing safely inside of me. My intuition was getting strong again with this pregnancy and I started getting those strong but invisible nudges. My life started evolving and with each day my baby grew and so did this incredibly overwhelming feeling that this was going to be life changing. I felt like I just knew this Maternity Leave was my opportunity to discover my life purpose. I knew that I could not waste a day of this time off because my life’s work was about to begin.
I have always been urged to start blogging due to my passion for writing and my talent for expressing myself in an engaging and comedic fashion. I always had facebook statuses that had people sitting at the edge of their seat in suspense or rolling on the floor laughing. I kept hearing it again and again, “can you please write a blog”?!?!?! I knew that was step 1 to figuring out my life. Seems small and sort of insignificant right? I thought logically this will be nothing short of therapeutic at best but I had those nudges again. You know that movie ‘Field of Dreams’ where the man hears someone saying “if you build it, they will come”? Well I kept feeling that way about my blog. I just knew I had to create my web site and then the next step would be shown to me. So I did just that. I created my first website ‘Living La Vida Leigha’ and I was damn proud! I am not a tech savvy girl so this creation was huge to me! I would write my posts and get good feedback but it was my one post about “My Secret” that was a game changer, thus leading me to my next piece of the puzzle.
Suffering from anxiety was my big dirty secret and admitting I had struggled so deeply blew people out of the water because they had NO IDEA. I hid it so well and on the outside I always looked like I had my life SO together. Admitting that I didn’t was so hard for me, horrifying in fact BUT it changed my life! The emails, facebook messages and texts just kept rolling in. So many people thanking me and asking me to please write more! So I then went on to create my web site catered to Anxiety called ‘The Anxiety Diary’ and I knew…this was it. I was putting the pieces of the puzzle together and after each piece was found, the next steps were shown to me. I created an Instagram account to post uplifting positive pictures or quotes with captions that were personal and open about my struggles. The number of followers started growing rapidly. Within two months I had reached over 3000 followers!
Bell Let’s Talk day was approaching and I felt that it was my duty to try to get through my social anxiety and finally talk! I decided to do a live feed at 8pm that night so I could share my story and connect with others struggling. BEST DECISION I EVER MADE. Nothing has fulfilled me more (except the birth of my daughters of course) and nothing has been more horrifying but more gratifying. I felt like I just tried on my life purpose and it fit perfectly! My happiness keeps confirming to me that my soul is overjoyed with this discovery and I am so excited to wake up everyday and know that I am impacting and helping so many people all over the world. I had no idea this would turn out this way. I have now decided that I need to pursue my purpose and become a Life Coach. Motivating, uplifting and encouraging people has been a lifelong gift and I know I need to make this my life’s work.
So please stay tuned for the final piece of the puzzle. I made the decision to enroll in a Life Coaching Certification program and I am going for it at full force! I have no idea how this is all going to pan out but I just know (have a nudge) that this is where I am supposed to take off and fly. I am taking a leap of faith here and it is incredibly scary but I personally know that in my life, it was the leaps of faith that enabled me to do the most growing. Any life coaches out there, I would love to hear from you and any advice is so very welcome! Cheers to new business adventures and pursuing your passion!!!
Wish me luck!
Leigha,
I feel like your follow request on Instagram today was meant to be. I have suffered from anxiety and depression since I was a small child but never could explain how I felt. My parents noticed, but hesitated to have me seek help because they were nervous. Starting in the beginning of high school, I was on medication and attended weekly counseling with my mom. I struggled with side effects from medications and never could find a medication that worked. Things got better towards my high school graduation and I decided I no longer needed medication. I functioned well without the medication. I went away to college and had some issues with being homesick and with school work. I also began an on and off again relationship with a man who began to mentally and emotionally abuse me for a few years along with sexually assualting and using me. I hit the rock bottom my junior year of college. I became suicidal and wanted to go back to my psychiatrist to seek help and to go back on medication, but they were were not accepting new patients at the time. I partied and drank a lot. My grades plummented. I finally broke down over spring break my junior year after an arguement with my stepdad. I vaguely told him that I was sexually assualted and we just cried and hugged. I have battled anxiety and depression since, especially when my boyfriend and I moved far from family and friends. I have currently been in a bad spell of depression and anxiety. I have been depressed on and off since August 2016. I panicked irrationally about my relationship although my boyfriend always reassures me and helps me. I found a job, but I stressed about money and I became sick often. I often felt run down and stressed due to work, my father and I had a strained relationship due to how my dad has treated me, I still panicked about my relationship, amongst living a few hours away from family and feeling guilty for missing out on family functions and events. On December 22 2016, my grandfather fell and had a subarachnoid hemmorhage in his brain, leading to a seizure on December 24 2016 when he was about to leave the hospital. My grandfather and I are extremely close (my mother and I lived with my grandparents until I was 5 years old) and I became very depressed about his health, especially after seeing him become depressed since he cannot drive. My job became more stressful as well. I felt as if everything was going downhill fast. My anxiety has become so bad where I don’t even want to leave my apartment and it is hard for me to get up. I have been hoping to find a freelance writing or blogging job since I have always loved writing. I have been trying to do research on finding freelance writing and blogging jobs so I can stay home and work. My boyfriend has been supportive and I think I may seek psychiatric help. I feel that medication and/or counseling may be worth a try again. I just want to feel better. Reading your blog and seeing your Instagram seems like a weird coincidence and gives me some hope. I am hoping I can get out of this depression and anxiety hole.
The Universe absolutely knew what it was doing by giving me that nudge to add you. First off, I am so incredibly sorry for everything that you have endured in your life. That is a hard deck of cards life has dealt you but remember, nothing is impossible. Your anxiety, depression and worrying can be channeled and used for good and for helping others. Your story matters and people need to hear it. I urge you to please make a blog and even an instagram account and be open and candid with your struggles. Other people are out there feeling so alone like I am sure you felt. Hearing your story will help them to normalize their emotions and their struggles. So many of us think we are the only ones having a hard time and that is such a painful burden to bare. The truth is, we are all in this together. We can create a network of love, support, guidance and advice to those walking in our foot steps or those who have walked those steps before us and come out with renewed perspectives. Thank you for sharing your story and please keep the communication flowing between us. Please pursue your passion of writing and use it as therapy for yourself and others. It does such amazing things. Can you please message me on instagram. I think I may have an idea for your stay at home job.
You go girl! Talk about making lemonade out of lemons! Thanks for sharing your struggles. You are definitely not alone!
Congratulations on your growing family! I can understand the struggles with anxiety. I had to move across the country before I could deal with mine 🙂 Best of luck!!!