Have you been there before? Nerves just running through your veins and thoughts spiralling out of control before you can even grab them and rein them in! A situation that causes so much stress in your life just weighing down on you every single day until the event actually happens? Whether it’s a speech you have to give in class, a performance at some public event, a date with the guy that you have been crushing on since you laid eyes on him! Situations that you have only dreamed of but once it becomes a reality, you are horrified to even face it! That fear…that anxiety… it really needs to F$%K right off!!! Excuse my language but it really needs to!
All my life Anxiety has been this negative, toxic thought process that turns wonderful things in to absolutely horrifying events full of situations going terribly wrong. Then, when I actually encounter the situation, it is nothing like the nightmare I conjured up as there is no ass kicking, no hospitalization, no incredibly traumatic events to report at all! Not that I am complaining of life going calmly but really, I make myself laugh when I look back at my thoughts preceding these events.
For example: Going for a job interview
My thought process: Okay so I got a voicemail saying they want me to come in for an interview…GREAT!!!! NO NO I can’t do this! I would rather live a mediocre, poor life, eating things out of a can and stealing wifi from the local coffee shops! It’s fine, I can make it work! I don’t need to make more money and have a better life! A better life is so over-rated, so…so scary! The challenges that will come with a new job! Everything is new…new people, new computer systems, new coffee machines to figure out! What if I can’t figure out their specific type of photocopiers?!?!?! What if their button for start isn’t the big green button like I’m used to!?!!!??! Oh no no no I can’t do this. There is no way I can do this.
Five minutes later: Crap I have to do this! I definitely can’t live off of Kraft Dinner and hot dogs forever. I would like to potentially be able to afford the luxury of getting a chocolate bar here and there too. Okay I’m hungry…I am going to call them.
My Thought process right before I go in to the interview: Okay so here I am sitting in their reception area, waiting to be called in. Stop looking down, you look like you’re not confident! SHIT!!! Okay, so my skirt has a hem that has come undone, it’s cool, stay calm, it’s fine…OMG MY SKIRT IS FALLING APART BEFORE MY EYES! I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE, I LOOK LIKE I HAVE NO OWNER, A HOT MESS THAT JUST WALKED IN OFF THE STREET. Breathe…breathe…okay I am breathing. I will just cover this hot mess with my hand until I sit down. It’s fine, really it’s fine ha ha (nervous laugh). Wow I feel nauseous, what if I spew my guts on to the board room table in front of my interviewer. Oh wow, yes my stomach is not okay. I should just go. “Leigha Benson, we are ready for you”! SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!! Don’t trip, DON’T TRIP!!!!!!!! “Hi nice to meet you and thank you so much for giving me this opportunity” I say confidently.
How the interview ACTUALLY GOES: Obviously it goes smoothly and I answer every question with confidence. My anxiety clearly made me over prepare and psycho analyze every possible situation that could go wrong, so I was well prepared for every single question possible! I get a phone call about 30 minutes after I leave saying I got the job…BOO YAHHHHH!!!!!
This was a true story of my life 7 years ago. I wanted desperately to get a new, successful job and when I got the phone call that I had been praying for, I panicked! The fact that I rocked the interview taught me that no matter what it is…I can handle it. Yes things will be scary and that is okay. I did a lot of growing that year as I met a ton of new people and learned so many new things about myself! I actually proved to myself that I am capable of handling “new”. I had always avoided anything new or involving change but it was when I was thrown in to those exact situations that I became this awesome person who handled their shit! So once again, sorry for the vulgar language but I truly felt that I needed to include that to properly portray the shit show that I would create in my head before confronting my anxiety. Does this sound at all familiar?